Not Today

It's been awhile since I updated the blog, mainly because I'm just so unbelievably tired at the end of every day. I have great intentions of sitting down and blogging and then I can't keep my eyes open. But, I'm fine and I'm still hanging in there. I had the 7th (out of 12) Taxol treatment on Friday. I'm counting down the days until June 14th, my last chemo!

Here's the part of my post where I complain about what this poison is doing to me...

I go weekly now and while this drug is milder than the AC I was on before, it's starting to show it's uglier side now that I'm halfway through it. You have to remember, Chemo is cumulative, which means the effects get more intense over time (with each treatment). This drug doesn't knock me out cold or cause the vomiting I had before. It's more of a sneaky little passive aggressive bitch.

I'm freaking tired and now, my body aches. I have to keep moving, because if I sit too long and then try and get up, I'm a mess. I notice the muscle aches mostly when I'm walking up the steps for the 14th time in an hour because someone forgot something (which is always). My legs feel like I've been working out and my arms are having an even harder than normal time holding Oliver, and all his 34 pounds.

My fingernails literally hurt. It feels like I got them shut in a door, all of them, all the time. Apparently fingernails turn black and die while on Taxol and sometimes the nails lift up from the finger and fall off entirely. So, I wonder if the pain I feel is them dying. I want to prevent any further damage, if possible, so I am applying some nail strengthener nail polish daily. If anyone has been through this and has helpful hints to keep my nails from falling off, please share!

While my fingernails are hurting, the tips of my fingers are starting to feel the effects of neuropathy. I'm wearing my ice gloves and socks during treatment, so I imagine the neuropathy would be more advanced if I wasn't.  I'm noticing my hands aren't working quite as well as they used to. I've always been clumsy, but now I'm fumbling for and dropping things like never before and it's harder to open packaging (plus it hurts my nails if I am too rough in the process).  The tingling comes and goes, so my Oncologist doesn't want to lower my dosage or change my plan quite yet.  I'm just afraid of it getting worse.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and realized I have aged 10 years in the past few months. I'm hoping a lot of it is the Chemo and that my skin and coloring will rebound once I'm done. But right now, I feel as bad as I look.

Wearing something on my head, in Florida, while having my body forced into medical menopause (hello, hot flashes) is the worst thing yet. Ok, not the actual worst thing, but it does suck ass. My head is sweating, constantly, whenever I'm wearing a hat/scarf. Forget about my wig, that thing is not only itchy but made of fire - it's hot as hell! So, this means that when I'm home, I'm going commando - nothing on my head, just good old baldness.

I'm not supposed to spend much time in the sun while on Taxol and now I know why, the second sun hits my skin it feels like it's burning. Kind of feels like I have a sunburn, immediately upon exposure. Then, you add a cover on my head and Florida humidity and I am freaking miserable. I seriously hate going outside right now.

After all of that woe-is-me complaining, and in the midst of all of this shit, I find myself incredibly grateful. I mean, I'm here. I AM STILL HERE. At the end of every long day, I always remember that this disease is trying to kill me and I will not let it - not today (in my most Arya way possible).

1 comment

  1. Thank you for posting these updates. . . I had NO clue what all went along with chemo. . . what a fucking shit show - it sucks you are going through this, but i respect the hell out of you. Plus these posts are so informative - thank you so much, and thanks for your sense of humor!